


You Will Be Found

by WorldOfMyImagination



Category: Holby City
Genre: Anxiety, Panic Attacks, mental health
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-18
Updated: 2019-08-25
Packaged: 2020-01-15 23:00:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 15,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18508837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WorldOfMyImagination/pseuds/WorldOfMyImagination
Summary: Chloe Godard is thriving at school but when she turns up home out of the blue in a state of distress one day, can Ange help her get back on track?Trigger warning for mentions of anxiety and panic attacks.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:** Just something that came to me after watching _The Family Way_ (s21e15). It was originally going to be a series of one-shots across various stages of Chloe's life where she struggles with her panic attacks and anxiety but I have too many ideas for this particular section so for now it will be a story in its own right and I may write other stages of her life at a later date. Reviews are always appreciated!

**N.B.** All characters officially belong to the BBC, however unofficially, Chloe, the precious little gem that she is, is mine and I will not share her ;)

* * *

 Chloe stood up from the desk and sent the whole contents flying across the room, tears streaming down her cheeks and her breaths becoming sharp and uncontrollable. She clutched her chest and sank to the floor in a corner of the room, her eyes screwed shut, desperately trying to even out her breathing. She wanted to block out everything - the voice in her head constantly telling her that she would never be good enough, the endless information that she had read over and over again in the textbooks and the carefree chatter of the other students in the corridor but alas, try as she might, it was becoming more and more impossible by the second. Eventually, after what felt like forever, Chloe's breathing started to slow and the tightness in her chest loosened. Reluctantly, she opened her eyes and looked around, horrified to see the state of the classroom - books and papers with frantic scribblings covered the floor, her water bottle lay on its side with the contents slowly dripping out next to it and the plastic chair was at least a metre away from the desk. She felt awful. How could she have done this? This was not the calm, quiet, level-headed Chloe Godard that put her hand up to answer nearly every question the teachers would ask. This was not the Chloe Godard who, despite having no real friends of her own, would always reach out to those in need. This was not the Chloe Godard who one day aspired to be as brilliant as her mum. Mum. What would she think if she could see Chloe now? She would be disappointed, surely, angry even. Chloe could not bear that. She had tried so hard to be the best she could be and to make Ange proud. Was she really kidding herself? Was she as worthless and useless as the voice inside her head had been telling her these past few weeks? Despite the fresh wave of dread that her mum's reaction filled her with, Chloe knew that she could not bear to be here at school any longer and as much as she hated the thought of bunking off, something which she would never dare to do, she knew that she had to get out.

* * *

The house was in darkness. With her mum having been off work sick for the last week, Chloe had been careful to ensure that she had left all the curtains closed in order to allow Ange to rest. Ange awoke to the familiar sensation of an aching in the back of her throat. Like most of the staff in the hospital, she had picked up the annual flu-like cold but thankfully now was over the worst of it, left with just the sore throat to get rid of. She reached for the glass next to her bed but the ease at which she drowsily lifted it up off the bedside table told her that it was empty. Although not too keen on the idea of leaving her warm bed to get some more, she knew it would be a choice between that or practically coughing her lungs up until Chloe got home from school. Sighing, Ange rolled out of her bed, wrapped herself up in her dressing gown and put on her slippers, trudging out of the room and down the stairs. Having not bothered to put the light on, Ange was caught by surprise when she nearly flew head-first into the front door after tripping over a bag which she mindlessly put down to her forgetting to put away the previous day. She entered the kitchen and quickly felt her stomach drop when she saw a familiar figure sprawled across the table, head in her arms, fast asleep.

"Chloe?" She whispered, panicked as she drew back the blinds. "Chloe?" Tentatively but hurriedly, Ange sat down in a chair beside her daughter, who began to stir.

 "No." She mumbled. "Time to stop. But too much to do, too much to do!" Chloe cried out as she was jerked back into consciousness, tears once again trickling down her cheeks.

"Chloe, it's okay, you're at home, you're safe." Ange reassured her daughter as she took her into her arms, now even more concerned than she was a few moments ago.

"I'm...sorry..." She choked through sobs.

"Don't talk yet, just let it all out, it's okay, I'm here." Ange soothed.

The sobbing had stopped a good while ago but Ange held Chloe, stroking her hair until she was ready to move or talk, whichever came first. Eventually, Chloe sat up and wiped her eyes on the sleeve of her navy school jumper, deliberately avoiding eye contact with Ange. "You should be resting." She spoke quietly. "You came down for water? I'll bring it up for you." As she reached for the glass, Ange put her hand over Chloe's to stop her.

"No. You and I need to talk." Ange told her firmly. "Besides, I'm feeling much better today." She smiled. There was a brief pause. "Did you get sent home from school?" Chloe's gaze fell to her lap where her hands were frantically twisting round each other. She shook her head. "You mean you just left? Chloe, why would you do that?"

"I told them, I told the nurse I didn't feel right but she wouldn't believe me. I tried, mum, but I couldn't do it, I was on my own and I thought I was going to die." Chloe explained, tears pricking in her eyes. "I didn't want to leave but they just wouldn't listen."

"What do you mean you thought you were going to die?" Ange was mortified.

"I was trying to finish my maths homework but I couldn't understand it and then I couldn't breathe and my chest hurt and the room was spinning..." She gabbled, breathing becoming rapid once again. "...and the voice said that I'm useless and...and worthless and that I've let you down and I just didn't know what to do." Ange cupped her hands over Chloe's and waited patiently until her breathing became regular once again.

"You are none of those things. You are wonderful, bright, funny and downright cheeky at times but you have not let me down, you never could. Everyday you make me so proud and I know you'll go on to do amazing things. I think what happened today was a panic attack. You've heard of them, right?" Chloe nodded. "Has it ever happened before?" Ange asked sympathetically. Chloe paused but again, gave another small nod. "When?"

"Most nights." She said, almost inaudibly. "Just as I'm trying to sleep. Never at school before." Ange took a breath as she tried to stop herself from showing how upset she was.

"Do you ever feel worried about anything?"

"All the time." Chloe dared to make eye-contact with her mum but after seeing the heartbreak in her eyes, quickly looked back down. "I wake up with a funny feeling in my tummy and a lot of the time I feel shaky and nervous and I just don't feel like me anymore." As she blinked, a fresh set of tears escaped and Ange tenderly wiped them away with her thumb.

"Why, why didn't you tell me?" Ange asked, tears welling up in her own eyes.

"Because I thought you would be angry."

"Never, never." Ange reassured her. "Chloe, it might be hard for you to hear but I think you have anxiety..."

"No! No I don't!" Chloe stood up, sheer panic on her face. Ange also stood up, hands half raised.

"Sweetheart it's okay to be upset."

"I don't have it!" Chloe insisted. "Why would you say that? I can't have it, I can't!" Ange took a step towards her daughter and defensively, Chloe lashed out, pounding Ange's arms. Gently, Ange took Chloe's wrists to stop her and pulled her close as both of them cried into each other.

After some time, the two of them had composed themselves and had at some point broken apart. Chloe had left the room and Ange had let her, not wanting to put any more stress on her daughter than she was already under. In all the upset, Ange realised that the school did not yet know that Chloe was at home, so decided to phone them and inform them of what was happening, only to be told that they had had their concerns about Chloe for weeks now. Ange was angry. Angry with the school for not saying anything to her sooner and for not making any effort to try and talk to Chloe. Most of all, Ange was angry with herself. She was Chloe's mum. She had watched her grow up, thought she knew her better than anyone else ever would and yet, she missed her daughter breaking down everyday, isolating herself to the point where she felt unable to talk to her about what had been happening. Where had everything gone so terribly wrong?


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note:** Thank you so much for all the reviews and kudos on the first chapter. This one's a little more heavy-going but I hope it lives up to expectations. Oh and I must mention, the title is taken from the song of the same name from  _Dear Evan Hansen_ which is actually about anxiety so I thought it fitted well. As before, reviews are always very much appreciated :)

* * *

Almost two hours had passed and Ange had spent a considerable amount of time on the phone to various people. Although the door was only about halfway closed, Ange still knocked before entering. Chloe was curled up on her bed with her back to the door, engrossed in whatever it was she was reading.

"What are you reading?" Ange asked gently, seating herself on the end of the bed.

"A book." Chloe replied flatly, turning to look at Ange who smirked and rolled her eyes.

"Oh very funny." A tiny smile played on Chloe's lips and she held up her book. "Malory Towers again?" Ange questioned in amusement. "How many times have you read them all now?"

"Seven including the first time when you read them all to me."

"They were my favourite when I was your age too and your Gran's before that. I'm surprised they're all still in one piece the amount of times they've been read since when? The 1950s?"

"You mean they're older than you are?" Chloe asked in wide-eyed mock surprise.

"Don't be so cheeky!" Ange grinned. There was a moment of silence before the tones became serious once again.

"Mum, will you show me how to do my maths homework?" Chloe requested, her eyes pleading.

"I will." Ange agreed. "But not today..."

"But it's due in tomorrow!" Chloe protested, alarmed. Ange put a comforting hand on Chloe's arm.

"You are not going to school tomorrow." She told her firmly. "I've already phoned them."

"Why?" Chloe questioned in despair. "I can't take time off school!"

"Yes you can. Chloe, you need to." Ange explained. "You and me are going to the doctors tomorrow."

"I don't need to go to the doctors, I'm not ill!"

"But you are sweetheart, you are ill and this needs dealing with just as much as a physical illness would. We're going to get through this, you and me." Ange told her determinedly, taking her hand. "You are not on your own, okay? I promise I will be with you every step of the way." Chloe sighed, defeated. Deep down, she knew only too well that her mum was right but she was not yet ready to accept that anything was wrong or that she needed help. Ange was only too aware of this, Chloe could come across as extremely stubborn at times but really, this was just a front to cover up her fears and doubts and unfortunately, this was one of those situations.

* * *

"Hey." Ange greeted that evening as Chloe appeared in the living room doorway.

"Hi." Chloe replied, twisting her pyjama sleeves round her fingers.

"Come and sit down." Ange encouraged, holding out one arm. Chloe sat down next to Ange, snuggling into her and tucking her legs underneath her body and sighed deeply. "I wish you'd dry your hair properly." She pointed out, feeling a damp patch quickly form on her shoulder. "How are you feeling?

"Hm." Chloe responded.

"Chloe, please be honest with me." Ange insisted gently. "Bottling up your feelings is not the answer. I only want to help you, you know that. You can tell me anything." Chloe thought for a moment.

"I know, I'm sorry." She sniffed. "I just don't...don't want to upset you. You have enough to deal with...with work, you don't need my problems too."

"Now listen." Ange said firmly, straightening herself and taking Chloe by the shoulders so that they were directly facing each other. Chloe was sure to avoid eye contact. "And look at me, please." She almost begged, her voice cracking. The look of pain and devastation in her daughter's eyes when she did look up was too much for Ange and she could no longer hold back her own tears. Chloe shook herself free from Ange's grip and stood up. If there was one thing that she hated, it was seeing her mum cry.

"See!" Chloe choked, her entire body trembling. "This is why I couldn't talk to you because I didn't want to hurt you and now I have! You're upset and it's all my fault." She frantically ran her fingers through her hair as the sobs shook her body and she felt her heart begin to race and her chest tighten. "Hurts." She gasped. "Make...it...stop!" She pleaded, more to herself than to Ange. The next thing she knew, her legs had buckled from beneath her and she had somehow landed curled up on the floor, eyes squeezed shut.

Ange was by her daughter's side in seconds. She had seen panic attacks before but seeing her own daughter having one was utterly heartbreaking. When Chloe had first talked to Ange about it hours before, she knew it was bad but had never envisaged anything quite like this. It was horrible to see. Chloe was on the floor, helpless, barely able to breathe, yet sobbing her heart out at the same time. Every so often she would cry out between the sobs and the frantic gasps for breath. The pain, Ange could almost feel her daughter's pain, both emotional and physical, but then of course she could not possibly feel her pain because what Chloe was going through was unimaginable. Ange did all she could, though in her mind there was very little that she could do. She stroked Chloe's hair the way that she did when Chloe was very small, it would always get her off to sleep but this time, she noted how clammy her forehead was. She talked to her, telling her how brave she was being and reassuring her that she was safe and that Ange was there and would not leave her, though wondering all the time if Chloe could hear her. She so desperately hoped that she could.

Five minutes passed, then ten and even twenty before Chloe's attack showed any sign of ceasing. Gradually, her body stopped quaking, slowly regaining sensation in her limbs and her breaths became less desperate and more regular but her eyes remained shut and her sobs were still present but had quietened due to the sheer exhaustion she was feeling.

"Mum." She croaked, throat burning from the dryness.

"It's okay, I'm here." Ange said, surprising herself at the calmness of her tone.

"It's over?" She asked hopefully, opening her eyes.

"It's over." Ange agreed. Chloe made no attempt to move. All the strength had left her body.

"I'm sorry for what I said." She apologised downheartedly.

"We'll have no more of that, thank you." Ange responded. "You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for."

"That was the worst." Chloe admitted, her voice breaking. "It's never been that bad. What's happening to me?"

"We're going to get you better, okay? No matter how long it takes, we will get you better, I promise." She wound a strand of her daughter's hair around her finger, let it go and then repeated the process several times over. "Shall I get you some water?" She asked after a few moments. Chloe nodded.

Minutes later, Ange returned to find Chloe propped up against the sofa, stretching her hands out in front of her.

"Thanks." Chloe said, taking a sip from the glass Ange handed her. Ange propped herself against the sofa next to Chloe. "Mum?"

"Yes?"

"Why me?" Chloe asked.

"I can't answer that sweetheart." Ange told her honestly. "I wish I could, but I can't."

"Mum?" She asked again.

"Yes?"

"I love you." She said, resting her head on Ange's shoulder. Ange rested her head on top of Chloe's.

"I love you too."


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note:** Thank you so much to my readers, reviewers and followers! A special big thank you to elleigator for letting me bounce ideas off you and being fabulous  and to twilightwonderer for our lovely chats and just being a generally wonderful person :)

* * *

The night had been far more settled than Chloe and Ange had anticipated. Chloe's panic attack that previous evening had exhausted her so much that she slept a good five hours straight. She did wake up just before 3am with a feeling of dread in her stomach but managed to calm herself again by reading her book for an hour before drifting back off to sleep.

Ange opened Chloe's door carefully as not to make too much of a noise. She was relieved to see Chloe sleeping peacefully but felt bad that she was about to disturb her. She went over to Chloe's bed and knelt down beside it, tracing circles on Chloe's palm with her finger. After a few moments, Chloe stirred and opened her eyes.

"Morning sleepyhead." Ange smiled. Chloe stared at her for a moment as memories of the previous evening's events came flooding back. She was sure that she could still see the hurt in Ange's eyes no matter how hard she tried to disguise it. The hurt that  _she_ had caused and she hated herself for it. "What are you thinking?" She asked, her smile turned to a look of concern. "You can talk to me." She reminded her daughter gently.

"Have I hurt you?" Chloe whispered.

"No." Ange told her insistently. "No. You have not hurt me. What's hurt me is to know that you've been struggling for God knows how long and that I didn't notice and have done nothing to help you. If I'd known then I would never have let it get this far."

"It's not your fault, mum. I didn't want you to know." She reassured her. "I did everything I could to hide it."

"Well you don't need to hide it anymore." Ange promised. "We're going to leave in an hour for the doctors. You should probably get up but there's no rush to get ready." Ange had planned to leave plenty of time before Chloe's appointment because the last thing she wanted was for Chloe to feel rushed and panic her even more than she was already bound to be, whether or not she chose to show it.

* * *

Chloe eventually emerged from her room minutes before Ange wanted to leave, not speaking a single word or wanting anything to eat or drink. She was shaking, that was the first thing Ange noticed about her, she was physically, uncontrollably shaking. Thinking better of it, Ange chose not to mention this. Chloe had spent a long time in her room, probably trying desperately to mentally prepare herself and Ange mentioning the fact that her anxieties were visible was only going to hinder the situation and make it harder than it already was. Chloe was already on the edge and Ange would do everything in her power to prevent her from tipping right over.

They both got into the car and Ange turned up the music, knowing that it was Chloe's favourite CD. Almost as soon as her mum's hand had left the volume control, Chloe turned the music back down so that it could barely be heard and rested her clammy forehead against the window. Although nearly twenty minutes away, the drive to the doctors seemed far too quick and in no time at all, Ange pulled up in a parking space outside the building. Chloe felt her heart rate quicken.

"No." She said, fearfully. "Please don't make me." She finished with a whisper, her pleading eyes locking with Ange's worried eyes.

"Chloe, you know how important this is. I wouldn't be making you do it if I didn't think it's for the best." Ange replied calmly.

"Will they lock me up?" She asked in a tone that shattered Ange's heart. "Because that's what they do to people who go mad, isn't it?"

"You are not going mad." Ange reassured her daughter, gently reaching to wipe away the single tear that was rolling down the girl's pale cheek. "You are ill but you're going to get better." She explained, cupping Chloe's chin tenderly in one hand. "And if you think that I would let anyone take you away from me then you are so wrong. Chloe, you're my world. I would never give up on you, egghead." Chloe nodded. "We do this together, okay?"

"Okay." She whispered.

Taking that as their cue, Ange got out of the car, walked round to the passenger side and opened the door for Chloe to get out. Still shaking, Chloe swallowed slowly before unclipping her seatbelt and stepping out of the car. She followed Ange into the surgery, making sure that she was at least three steps behind her mum. Somehow, that made her feel safer. As the two of them approached the reception desk, Chloe moved closer to Ange, gripping onto her arm for comfort. Ange checked her in and Chloe quickly let go of her arm, making a dash for the chairs in the far corner of the waiting room, as far away from other people as she possibly could get. Ange followed and took a seat next to her.

"Chloe, it's okay." Ange said gently. Chloe was jittery and could not keep still in her seat. "It won't be long."

"There's too many people." Chloe muttered. "It feels like they're all watching me but I know they're not even looking."

"I know." Ange squeezed her daughter's shoulder comfortingly.

Before either of them could say another word, a tall, balding doctor, probably at least in his late forties called Chloe's name. Taken by surprise, she shot up out of her seat. Just like before, she was sure to walk behind Ange. On entering the room, the doctor closed the door behind them and sat down at his desk. Ange instinctively took up the chair closest to the desk, allowing Chloe to sit between her and the door.

"Now, Chloe, isn't it?" He asked. Chloe nodded. "My name is Doctor Standing. What can I do for you today?" His tone was stern and unnerving. Wide-eyed with fear, Chloe looked at Ange and shook her head.

"She's been having panic attacks." Ange explained. "And general feelings of anxiety.

"Right." The doctor said, raising his eyebrows. "How old are you, Chloe?" He questioned.

"She's..." Ange started. Doctor Standing raised his hand.

"If you could let the patient speak for herself, Ms. Godard, thank you." Ange was taken aback at the abruptness of his voice.

"Twelve." Chloe answered, struggling to speak through the nerves.

"And you've just started secondary school?" Chloe nodded. "You enjoy school? Work hard?" Another nod. "So these...panic attacks. How often do they happen?"

"A few times a week." She stuttered.

"Panic attacks are fairly normal for someone of your age, Chloe." He began. "Your hormones are all over the place, the jump from primary to secondary school can often be stressful and the demands may be too high and you are clearly lacking in confidence." Chloe's face flushed bright red.

"This is not a confidence problem, she has anxiety!" Ange interjected.

"No, Ms. Godard, I don't believe she does. Your daughter is simply facing the challenges of growing up. I cannot diagnose anxiety unless there is a cause and in Chloe's case I simply cannot find one. I suggest that perhaps a little less...overbearing parenting may be the resolution to your daughter's issues." Doctor Standing finished solemnly.

"Mum can we go?" A tearful Chloe pleaded, tugging on Ange's sleeve.

"Go to the car." Ange told her, handing her the keys. "I'll be there in a moment." Chloe was out of the room like a shot. "How could you be so dismissive?" Ange spat, turning back to the doctor. "You have no idea how much courage it has taken her to open up and now you have kicked her whilst she's down."

"Now Ms. Godard, I can see that you are worried about your daughter..."

"You didn't even ask about the panic attacks, about how she's been feeling. Twenty minutes last night, twenty minutes of hell and you are seriously telling me that's normal for a young girl?" Ange questioned in despair. "You know, I told her that coming here was the right thing to do, that it would help her to get better and she was resistant. You were supposed to help us, to help Chloe and now she's left in a worse state than when she came in. Thanks a lot."

"Well, I suppose if your daughter's panic attacks are as bad as you say then I can prescribe her some tablets." He sighed, reluctantly writing out a prescription. "But I stand by what I say, whether you like it or not." Ange snatched the prescription from his hand. "Now if you will excuse me, I have another consult." He said, standing up and ushering her out the door.

"Well I pity them. Now please excuse me whilst I go and pick up the pieces with my daughter." She told him harshly and with that, she marched off back down the corridor.

* * *

The journey home in the car had been deadly silent. All the colour from Chloe's face had drained and although her eyes were puffy, all the traces of her tears had gone. Her expression was emotionless and her eyes glassy. She was first out of the car when they pulled up on the driveway and slammed the front door shut behind them as they entered the house, kicked off her shoes and headed into the living room.

"Chloe, let's talk about this." Ange said calmly.

"No, mum, let's not talk about this!" Chloe shouted. "Because I talked to you and now look what's happened! I trusted you, you said it would all be okay, you said it would get better but you've made everything a hundred times worse!" Chloe's face reddened once again but this time, it was with sheer anger.

"Sweetheart, I know you're upset..."

"I'm not! I'm not upset, I'm angry!" She clenched her fists. "I'm angry at the doctor and at myself but most of all at you! Why did you tell me it would be okay? You're a liar! You're a liar and I hate you!"

"Chloe..."

"Let me go!" Chloe made for the door but Ange blocked her path. Anger flashed in her eyes and in the moment, she raised her fisted hands without thinking. Suddenly, something in her mind made her see what she was about to do and instead, she spun around on the spot and with one forceful swipe, sent the various objects displayed on the mantlepiece crashing to the floor. Chloe froze for a second, shocked at what she had just done. The anger that had overtaken her body quickly left and was replaced with the most debilitating sadness. "No." She whimpered. "No, no, no!"

"Chloe, it's alright." Ange reassured her tentatively, taking a cautious step towards her daughter.

Chloe sank to the floor and picked up a photo that was lying face-down. She turned it over to see that the glass had shattered to such an extreme that the photo inside was barely visible. Chloe knew that photo only too well. It was of her and Ange on the beach smiling and hugging each other, taken in Whitby only a year ago. It was their favourite photo. She hugged the photograph to her chest protectively, drew up her knees and sobbed into her folded arms. Ange sat down beside her daughter and hugged her tight, immediately feeling the girl's body weight fall into her.

"I want it to stop, I just want everything to stop. I can't do this anymore because I'm just too tired." She said desperately. "If the doctor won't help me then no-one will. Everything would be better if I wasn't here!" Her words were gabbled between sobs.

Ange did not know how to respond to this. It broke her heart hearing her little girl so ready to give up on life. She had to make this better, do everything in her power to fix this awful mess. Maybe Chloe was angry when she said what she did but she was right about one thing, that Ange had only made things worse and she could not shake this thought - she had pushed Chloe into going to the doctors, which she had protested against and it could not have gone any more wrong. Chloe must have felt like she had completely lost control of everything. "Do you know what?" She started, tears rolling down her own cheeks. "If you weren't here then I would be lost. You're my sunshine, my reason to get up in the morning, you're my everything. Truly, I mean that. I am so, so sorry that you are feeling this way and I wish more than anything that I could fix it and make everything better. You are so loved, Chloe, don't you ever forget that." Ange rocked Chloe as she spoke, hoping that the movement would calm her but the girl's sobs remained just as intense as when they had started. "I know that right now, it must feel like you are trapped in the darkness and there's no way out but you won't feel like that forever." She promised. "The sun always comes out after the storm, Chloe and it may take a little while but it will. We are going to try again, okay? We'll try again but this time I won't make you do anything you don't want to do, this time you are in control and I will be with you every step of the way. You are not alone."


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note:** I am very pleased to announce that I have now submitted my final year two assignment so hopefully can concentrate on this (and the other fanfictions I have in mind) properly. To anyone who is still reading, I really appreciate your patience. This chapter was supposed to be a bit lighter but it's not really. I promise the next one definitely will be! As always, I really appreciate your thoughts :)

* * *

Ange had completely lost all sense of time since she and Chloe had got in from the doctors. She had hoped that they would both be feeling more positive, even if only the tiniest bit, however unfortunately things had not quite gone to plan. Although she hated to admit it, it had frightened Ange seeing Chloe that angry. She had seen Chloe stressed before, frustrated even but never angry, though Ange had no problem seeing past the anger - it was every emotion that Chloe had felt these past few weeks or months, Ange did not even know how long this had been going on for, building up until it had become too much. Even if she had wanted to, there was no way Ange could be cross with Chloe. Yes, all of the items on the mantlepiece had been broken, but they were fixable at least and Ange hoped more than anything that Chloe was too. Seeing her daughter break down to such an extreme devastated Ange and she could not get the images out of her head. She did not know how long she had sat holding Chloe, telling her how much she loved her, that all the negative thoughts in her head were not true and that this would all pass and she would feel better - it must have been at least forty minutes, maybe an hour, she did not know. At last, Chloe had fallen silent, having cried herself to sleep. As carefully as she could, Ange had prised the photograph from Chloe's protective grasp, lifted her onto the sofa and tucked her up with a blanket. She looked peaceful and Ange was glad of that and in a bid to take her mind off of things for as long as possible, she had done more housework in the last few hours than she had done in several months. She was now sat at the kitchen table mulling over the events of the day and trying to work out how on earth she was going to put things right again.

"Mum?" A meek voice came from next to Ange. Chloe stood by the table, her breathing shaky and her eyes filled with fear. Ange looked up at her daughter. "I'm sorry, mum. Really sorry for everything I said and...and did." Chloe said desperately, stumbling over her words.

"It's okay." Ange reassured her genuinely. She shuffled her chair back and patted her knee. "Come on." Cautiously, Chloe perched herself on Ange's lap rested her head on her shoulder. Ange put her arms around her daughter.

"Will you forgive me?" Chloe asked hopefully. "Please?"

"I have nothing to forgive you for." Ange told her firmly. "None of this is your fault."

"But our picture." Chloe sniffed. "And Gran's vase. They're broken."

"The picture can be mended and I never liked that vase anyway. That was a good choice on your part to take your anger out on it." She said, attempting to make light of the situation.

"I'm sorry!" Chloe's voice was full of despair.

"It's fine." Ange said quickly, as not to upset Chloe any further. She tightened her grip, noticing that Chloe was shaking. "Are you okay?" She asked in concern. Chloe sighed and lifted her head.

"I had another panic attack." She admitted.

"When? Just now?" Chloe nodded. "You should have called me."

"But you heard what the doctor said! It's normal which means I have to learn to deal with it myself." She was trying to convince herself more than anything.

"Well he was wrong. If he had asked all the questions that are standard for a mental health consult then he would have been able to see exactly how much you are struggling." Ange explained.

"Mum..." Chloe hesitated. She stood up with her back to Ange. "Am...am I ill?" She faltered.

"Yes." She told her definitely. Chloe shut her eyes for a moment to compose herself before turning around and sitting in the chair nearest to her mum. "If I were to put my doctor head on and you had come to me as a patient, I would diagnose you with anxiety. It doesn't have to be the end of the world because there are things we can do to manage it..."

"I'm scared." Chloe blurted, placing her elbows on the table and putting her head in her hands.

"I know you are, but..."

"No, no you're not listening to me!" She stood up again and walked over to the sink, resuming the same position as she had on the table and let out a sigh of frustration. "You said we should talk but you won't listen."

"Okay, okay." Ange came up behind Chloe and placed a hand on her back. "How about I make both of us a cup of tea, give you ten minutes to cool off and then we'll sit down, I'll shut up and you can say what you need to say?"

"Mum, please." Chloe begged, tears filling her eyes. "If I don't say it now then I don't think I'll be able to say it at all."

"Go on." Ange encouraged. "I'm listening." Chloe turned round to mirror Ange's position leant against the worktop.

"When I got angry earlier..." She began, pausing to steady her voice. "...for a moment I actually wanted to...wanted to hurt you but it wasn't me and I wasn't in control and if that's what this is going to do to me then I don't think I can do it. I'm scared I'm going to hurt myself or worse, hurt you and I don't want to do that."

"Hang on. When you say you're scared that you're going to hurt yourself...it's not something you've thought about is it?"

"No, no it's not like that. It's just..." Chloe wrung her hands together. "Sometimes I think that if I was crossing the road and a car came at me out of nowhere, I don't...know if I would really try to get out of the way. My head's a mess, mum." She looked into Ange's eyes and Ange took Chloe's smaller hands in hers. "When I was that angry I didn't know what I was going to do."

"Chloe, you are strong. So strong and I know you may not feel it right now but you are, truly." Chloe pulled her hands away.

"How can you be so nice to me after everything that I said?" She asked bitterly. "I don't deserve it. I don't deserve  _you."_

"Because I know that it was the anxiety talking, not you and you've just said as much yourself. I promise you this is not going to last forever."

"I do want to get better." Chloe said. "Will you help me?" For the first time in a while, Ange saw a spark in Chloe's eyes, that spark of determination that Ange loved about her daughter, that spark that told her that it would all be okay in the end.

"Of course I'll help you." She promised. "But I need you to be honest with me about how you're feeling and if you have a panic attack, or think you might, I want you to call on me, it doesn't matter what time of day or night it is, okay?"

"Okay." Chloe agreed.

"Now, shall we see about that tea?"

* * *

A short while later, Ange appeared in the lounge carrying two steaming mugs of tea. She placed them on the table and took a seat next to Chloe, who was staring at the television, not really taking in whatever it was that was on.

"Chloe..." Ange started. Slowly, Chloe blinked and looked at her mum questioningly.

"What?"

"How would you feel about trying medication?" She approached the subject with caution, unsure of how Chloe would react.

"I'm not going back to the doctor." She replied stubbornly. "And you can't prescribe it, you'd get into trouble."

"No but the doctor we saw, he prescribed it after you left." Ange explained. "Reluctantly. I think he probably only did it to get rid of me but they might be worth a go if you want to."

"But you hear all the horror stories don't you? About all the side-effects. What if they make me worse?"

"Then you can stop taking them. There's always a risk with any medication but you won't know unless you try." Chloe thought for a moment.

"Do you think it will help?" She questioned.

"I think it could really help." Ange told her honestly. "But if not, then that's okay. At least you can say you've given it a go."

"Alright." Chloe nodded. "I'll try it." She decided. "But if it makes me worse and...and makes me do things that I wouldn't do like earlier then I want you to take them away. Stop them. Immediately. Will you promise me that?" She pleaded earnestly.

"I promise."


	5. Chapter 5

******Author's Note:** This chapter did not go quite as planned. I know I promised something a bit lighter but that will definitely be next! This is a bit of a filler chapter as I have a lot planned which will be coming up soon. On another note, can we please appreciate Amy's acting in this week's episode?!

* * *

Chloe awoke with a start and spluttered, clutching at the neck of her pyjama top as she sat up. Clumsily, she crawled to the end of her bed, picking up her toy cat that her mum had given her for her fifth birthday and climbed out, making her way to the door. She opened the door and used the wall to guide herself five paces along the pitch-black hallway to her mum's room, pushing open the door.

"M...mu..." Her words were no more than a raspy whisper. She staggered, using the door frame to steady herself. Ange stirred and was out of bed in seconds.

"Chloe?" She stood in front of her daughter and placed her hands on her shoulders. Dropping the toy cat, Chloe reached up and grasped hold of Ange's sleeves.

"Do you want to sit down?" She asked.

"No." Chloe said shakily. "S...sor...sorry."

"Now that's enough of that." Ange replied, squeezing her shoulders. "Remember what I said?" Chloe nodded slightly. "Chloe, can you try and copy my breathing?" She asked. Another nod. Ange breathed in, counting to four in her head, held it for a few seconds and then released, again counting to four in her head. She must have repeated this sequence seven or eight times before Chloe managed to take a proper breath in but even then, it was juddery and took tremendous effort on Chloe's part. After a few more attempts, Chloe was finally able to match Ange's breathing and return to her normal rhythm.

"Better?" Ange asked.

"Hands." Chloe said. "They're cold."

"That's not an uncommon response with anxiety." She reassured her. "Could I have my arms back?" Chloe gave her a sad smile and released her grip on Ange's sleeves. Ange bent down, picked up the toy cat and handed it to Chloe, who took it and tucked it under her arm.

"Thanks." She said quietly. "I should go back to bed." She muttered defeatedly.

"You don't have to." Ange said.

"Goodnight, mum." Chloe turned and headed back down the hallway. Ange watched in concern and waited until she heard her daughter's bedroom door close, being sure to leave her own one open as she went back to bed.

* * *

Ange came down the stairs that morning to be greeted by the smell of toast. She entered the kitchen, where Chloe was busily preparing tea and toast.

"Ah." She spun round as she heard her mum enter the kitchen. "Raspberry jam or marmalade?" She asked. "I was going to do half and half and bring it up to you but you're here now so..."

"Marmalade, please." Ange smiled. "How are you feeling?"

"Okay I think." Chloe responded.

"You certainly seem happier." She observed. "How did you sleep after...?"

"I did go back to sleep for a bit but then I woke up about half four." She explained.

"Oh Chloe..."

"No, mum. It was fine, I'm fine. I finished my book and I'm already halfway through the second one and no panic attacks so...I really am fine." She smiled and Ange believed her. She knew that Chloe was far from being back to her old self and she knew that however much Ange insisted that she be honest about her feelings, that Chloe would hide them as much as she could but at that moment, she genuinely believed her.

"Okay." Ange said. "I'm glad."

"Sit down." Chloe ordered, placing a mug of tea and plate of toast on the table and pushing them towards Ange before picking up her own and sitting down opposite.

"Yes mum." Ange laughed, doing as she was told. "I need to go to the shops today and then collect your medication. Do you want to come?" She asked.

"No thanks." She replied. "No offence mum but we could probably both do with some time to ourselves."

"Fair enough." Ange agreed. "I'll leave my mobile number by the phone. Just call if you need me, okay?"

"Okay, but I'll be fine." Chloe insisted. "Please, mum, you have to trust me."

"I do, I do trust you." She promised. "I won't be any longer than a couple of hours."

The two of them ate their breakfast in a comfortable silence, every so often pulling silly faces at each other from across the table, which at one point made Chloe choke and spray her tea everywhere, much to Ange's amusement. After breakfast, Chloe insisted on clearing up so that Ange could get ready and go out, telling her that the sooner she went, the sooner she would be back. In reality, Chloe just needed a little bit of time to herself, as much as she knew deep down how much she needed her mum but was also aware that Ange needed time out too.

"Are you sure you'll be okay?" Ange asked in concern for the umpteenth time.

"Yes, mum, now please, just stop fussing and go!" Chloe ordered, masking the fact that she was beginning to feel uncertain about being left on her own after the events of the past few days.

"Okay, okay!" Ange grinned. "I know when I'm not wanted."

"It's not that." Chloe said quietly, missing the joke.

"I know." She reassured her daughter. "You've got my number if you need anything, okay?" Chloe nodded. "Anything you want me to get?"

"Don't think so." She replied. "Just don't worry about me. Have some time to yourself."

"I won't be long." Ange said, kissing Chloe on the head. "See you later."

"Bye." Chloe shut the door behind her mum and went into the living room where she watched out of the window as Ange's car disappeared off into the distance. She sighed and tapped her fingers against each other one by one a few times before going back out to the hallway and putting on her boots, hat, scarf and coat. She took a key off of the hook, left the house, being sure to lock the door behind her and started walking down the road.


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note:** As promised, this chapter is a bit lighter than the others (a bit fluffy too, I hope that's okay!) but it is just the calm before the storm. It was originally going to be combined with the next chapter, however Chloe and Ange were having far too much fun here. Thank you so much to everyone who reads and reviews, it is appreciated more than you all know :)

* * *

Ange entered the house, closing the door behind her.

"I'm home!" She called, placing several bags on the at the bottom of the stairs. "Chloe?" She continued when she received no response. After poking her head round the door of every room in the house, Ange quickly realised that Chloe was nowhere to be found. In light of the conversation the two of them had had the previous day, it would be a lie to say that Ange was not the slightest bit worried, however she recalled what Chloe had said about trusting her and she did. Pulling back on her boots that she had only taken off minutes before, she headed back out of the door, fairly confident that she knew where Chloe would be.

* * *

The wind was bitterly cold as Ange walked along the path. She shivered and pulled her scarf tighter around her chin. As she crossed the road, a familiar sight came into view - a small, blonde figure wearing an instantly-recognisable purple duffle coat, one that almost matched Ange's own and a turquoise hat and scarf, swinging rhythmically backwards and forwards. Ange smiled with relief as she reached the gate.

Chloe's thoughts were interrupted by the sound of someone entering the park. Seeing who it was, she slowed the swing to a stop, scuffing her boots on the ground as she did so and biting her bottom lip.

"I thought I might find you here." Ange grinned.

"Sorry." Chloe replied guiltily.

"Don't be." Ange told her. "But I'd appreciate it if you'd tell me next time. Leave a note or something."

"I will. Sorry." She said again. "I didn't plan to." She started to explain. "It's just...when you left I started to panic that you wouldn't come back so I needed a distraction and this was the first thing I could think of. I know it sounds ridiculous." She hung her head.

"Hey. I will always come back." Ange told her meaningfully.

"That's just it, though. The rational part of me knows that but then my head tells me you won't." Chloe admitted, frustration in her tone. "The other option was pacing round the house until you got home but then I thought that would send me even more doolally than I already am." She laughed bitterly. Ange sat on the swing next to her.

"Please don't talk like that."

"Why not?" Chloe questioned. "It's true."

"It's not true. Not at all. All those negative thoughts, Chloe,  _they_  are not true." Chloe sighed and looked away, starting to swing again, though gentler this time.

"It's going to snow." Chloe announced matter-of-factly, looking up at the sky. Ange followed her gaze.

"Do you think?" She asked, unconvinced.

"I know!" Chloe insisted.

"How?"

"The man on the radio said so. It's already snowing in Orkney. It's coming our way. About nine o'clock I think they said."

"Right." Ange said, raising her eyebrows.

"I know I am." Chloe grinned wickedly. "You'll see."

"Are you hoping for a snow day then?"

"Yes." She responded certainly. "Because it means that school will probably be shut which means I won't be missing anything."

"I see your logic." Ange agreed. "Though your health comes first. School will still be there when you're ready." Chloe nodded thoughtfully.

"What about you, mum? What about your job?"

"I've spoken to my boss." Ange began to explain. "I'm owed a couple of weeks off anyway but I can take a sabbatical if I need to."

"You can't do that!" Chloe protested.

"Yes, I can." Ange said firmly. "You are my priority. I said we would do this together and I meant it."

"But what if you need your leave for something else?"

"I'd much rather use it up spending time with you." She smiled.

"Oh yes because I'm great fun to be around right now." Chloe rolled her eyes.

"You need to be kinder to yourself." Ange told her gently. Chloe rolled her eyes again. "And please stop rolling your eyes, you're not a teenager yet."

"It won't be long though, I thought I'd start practising." She smirked. "Anyway, I've learnt from the best." She commented cheekily, looking straight at Ange, who pretended to be offended.

"You'd better start hoping it doesn't snow tomorrow because I am so going to get you back for your cheek if it does!" Ange joked.

"And how are you going to do that exactly?" Chloe questioned.

"Two words: snowball fight." She grinned.

"You'd have to catch me first..." She mocked.

"I'll have you know that I was cross-country champion at school." Ange said proudly.

"What? Back in the dark ages when they still used chalk? Many, many,  _many_ years ago."

"Right." Ange said slyly, standing up. "Last one to the duck pond gets pushed in!" With that, she was off out the gate like a shot.

"Hey!" Chloe called, jumping off the swing as it swung backwards. "That's cheating!" She continued, hot on her mum's heels. They were only metres away from the pond when Chloe managed to catch up with Ange. She reached out and grabbed hold of the belt on Ange's coat. In response, Ange whipped around and tickled Chloe until they were both collapsed on the ground in fits of laughter. After they had both recovered, Ange was the first to stand up, holding out her hand to help Chloe off the ground. They both brushed themselves down.

"Do you think we should be getting off home?" Ange asked. "It's nearly lunchtime."

"Probably." Chloe agreed. "That was fun, though. Thanks mum." She grinned. Ange put her arm round Chloe's shoulders, hugging her close as they both walked down the path in the direction of home. Chloe nestled into Ange as close as she could, enjoying the comfort of her mum's embrace.

* * *

It was only when Chloe and Ange entered the house that they realised exactly how cold they both were. Once they had taken off their outdoor clothes, they went into the kitchen for hot chocolate. After spooning powder into two mugs, Ange left the kitchen to retrieve the bags that she had left in the hallway earlier on. As she re-entered the room, she caught Chloe helping herself to the chocolate powder with a spoon.

"Caught red-handed!" Ange laughed. Chloe turned to face her mum, guilt etched upon her face. "It's fine, I've already had some." She revealed.

"Mum!" Chloe said in disbelief. They both laughed. Chloe screwed the lid back onto the hot chocolate powder and went over to the table. She picked up the paper bag from the pharmacy and removed the contents, turning the box over in her hands several time before opening it and taking out the leaflet.

"Is that a good idea?" Ange questioned.

"If I'm going to take them then I want to know what could happen. Worst-case scenario, you know?" She replied.

"Okay." Ange agreed. "But just bear in mind that the more severe side-effects have only occurred in a tiny amount of cases."

"I know that." Chloe said, whilst Ange busied about making the hot chocolates. "Mood swings, drowsiness, confusion, brain fog. Well this will be fun, won't it?" She commented sarcastically. "And it could be up to two weeks before the medicines start to take effect. Oh brilliant." She threw the packet back down onto the table. "Good luck, mum. Not only will I be a panicky wreck, I'll also be moody and probably not know who you are."

"You'll be fine." Ange attempted to reassure her. "Are you going to take one now?"

"No time like the present." She said dryly, filling up a glass from the tap. She popped a tablet out of the packet and quickly swallowed it with a mouthful of water before placing the glass in the sink. "And there we go." She finished.

"I'm proud of you." Ange told her. "Oh and I bought you some things." She said, unpacking the bags. The first item she pulled out was a notebook with a watercolour butterfly design on the front. Chloe raised her eyebrows. "I know you find it hard talking about how you're feeling so I thought maybe you could write it down and if you want to share it then great but if not, that's fine too." Chloe gave a small smile.

"Thanks, mum." She said genuinely. "I hadn't thought about doing that." She took the notebook from Ange, who then proceeded to take out two DVDs from a bag and handed them to Chloe.

"For a couple of girly nights in?" She suggested. "I bought popcorn as well." She added. "You used to like  _Aladdin_ when you lived with gran. It was on the television a lot."

"And  _The Sound of Music_?" Chloe questioned, referring to the second DVD.

"That was my favourite when I was a child." Ange replied. "I don't think you and I have managed to ever watch it all the way through."

"So now is our chance." Chloe finished with a grin.

"Absolutely! Now, I know you're nearly a teenager." Ange started. "But I don't think you're ever too old for fish finger sandwiches. Am I right?"

"Never!"

"Good. Lunch in twenty minutes then?" Ange finished cheerfully.


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note:** This is the second part of what was supposed to be one chapter. Thank you to everyone who is still reading, I admire your patience! Also thank you so much for the lovely reviews, they honestly keep me going! Massive thanks to the Discord crew for giving me a kick into action and making me get this up tonight. I'm hoping updates will be quicker for the next few chapters as I know what I'm doing (I'm as shocked as you are!) but we shall see.

* * *

That evening, Chloe was in her room reading whilst Ange did the ironing downstairs. There was a knock at the door. Taken by surprise as they were not expecting any visitors, Ange went through to the hallway and opened the door. On doing so, she found herself faced with a woman perhaps only a little younger than herself.

"Ms Godard?" She asked politely.

"Yes." Ange responded. She recognised the woman but in the moment could not place her.

"Nice to meet you, Ms Godard." She greeted, holding out her hand. "I'm Miss McRae, Chloe's form tutor."

"Of course." Ange remembered, shaking the teacher's outstretched hand. "Would you like to come in?"

"No don't worry." Miss McRae replied. "I don't want to disturb your evening. I just wanted to find out how Chloe is doing."

"You're not disturbing us, honestly. Besides, it's freezing out there and I've just put the kettle on anyway." Ange smiled. Gratefully, Miss McRae returned the smile and stepped inside, making sure to wipe her feet on the mat before removing her shoes. "Go through and have a seat. I'll make the tea and tell Chloe you're here."

"Don't make her come down if she doesn't want to. I don't want to upset her."

"Don't worry." Ange reassured her. "I wont."

* * *

Having made the tea and taken it through to the living room where Miss McRae was waiting, Ange then went upstairs to tell Chloe that they had a visitor. She hoped Chloe would be pleased but if truth be told, she did not know how her daughter would react. It had been a better day for her but she had spent the last hour or so shut up in her room, a sure sign that she needed some downtime. Ange knocked softly before opening the door.

"Hey." She greeted. Chloe attempted a smile in response. "Miss McRae is here. She wanted to find out how you're doing." Chloe's bottom lip quivered and her face crumpled as she burst into tears, taking Ange completely by surprise. "Oh, hey, it's okay." Ange comforted, sitting on the bed next to Chloe and holding her close. "What's all this about?"

"I don't know." She sniffed. "I just feel sad. Not normal sad or anxious sad but sad sad. Like, really sad sad."

"It could be the medication." Ange told her.

"I'm not in trouble?" Chloe asked. "With Miss McRae, I mean."

"No, no not at all." Ange reassured her. "She's come to see how you are, which is really nice of her."

"It is." Chloe agreed. "I will come down in a little while. I just need some time to sort myself out."

"That's okay. If you don't feel ready then it's okay to just stay here." She told her. "Miss McRae said not to make you come down if you don't want to."

"I do." Chloe said. "She's been off since December and she's my favourite teacher. Just...just give me ten minutes. I want to try and write my feelings down like you said and then I'll be there."

* * *

Ange appeared back downstairs a short while later to find Miss McRae still patiently waiting.

"Sorry about that." She apologised.

"It's fine." Miss McRae replied. "So how is Chloe doing?"

"Not great if I'm honest." Ange admitted. "She's been having panic attacks for a while now but only told me the other day. We went to the doctor who as good as told us that there is no way Chloe can have anxiety as there's no reason for it but she's really struggling, though today has been a better day. We're doing our best but there's a long way to go."

"Do you know when it started? Has she been having them at school?" The teacher questioned.

"I don't know exactly when it started. I think she said the one the other day, the day she came home was the first one she's had at school. She went to the nurse saying she didn't feel right but was dismissed and when I phoned the school to say she'd come home they said that they have had their concerns about Chloe for a while. Why didn't they contact me?" Ange said in frustration.

"You have every right to be upset, Ms. Godard you really do." Miss McRae responded apologetically. "The teacher covering my form group told me everything when I came back the other day and I was fuming. I had every intention of trying to talk to Chloe on the day she went home early. She's been seriously let down by the school, you both have and I can only apologise but I will help you fight to get Chloe the support she needs from us."

"Thank you." Ange felt relieved that finally someone else was on their side. "I honestly don't know when Chloe will be back at school yet. I think she's keen to get back as soon as possible but I don't want that to add to what she's going through already."

"No of course not. There is no rush for her to come back, none at all."

Chloe had been sat at the top of the stairs for at least fifteen minutes trying to summon up the courage to go down. Every time she thought she was ready, a fresh wave of anxiety overcame her and she was back to where she started. If only she could get her breathing under control for more than about ten seconds and stop her hands from shaking. She so badly wanted to call for her mum but being very conscious of the fact that her form tutor was sat downstairs did not want to make even more of a fool of herself than she had convinced herself Miss McRae already thought she was. Despite the fact that her mum had told her she was not in trouble, her head would not let that thought go. She could hear voices coming from the living room but was purposefully not taking in what they were saying. She knew they were talking about her, they must be and it could only be bad things.  _Her grades were slipping at school. She spent every break alone. She rarely contributes in class these days. She was becoming the disappointment that she had vowed never to become. Chloe Godard is a failure._  All these thoughts wove themselves into her mind and she could do nothing to stop them.

"Come on, Chloe." She muttered to herself. "It's all in your head. Tell them to stop, tell them to stop!" She took a deep breath and held it for as long as she possibly could, battling the negative thoughts until they became quieter and eventually fizzled away. She held her hands out in front of her and noticed that the tremors had all but stopped. She had done it. For the first time she had managed to stop herself having another panic attack without any help. Maybe, just maybe, things really could get better again. Steadily, she stood up and made her way down the stairs and to the living room but stopped at the door. "It's fine." She whispered. "You stopped that, you can do anything." She pushed open the door.

"Hi Chloe." Miss McRae greeted. "It's lovely to see you." Chloe responded with a smile.

"I stopped it." She said to Ange, sitting down next to her. "I thought I was going to have another panic attack but I stopped it, mum, I did it all by myself." She finished proudly.

"You star." She said, matching her daughter's expression. She noticed how her daughter's eyes lit up when she spoke and realised just how much she missed seeing that.

"Are you better now, Miss McRae?" Chloe asked with genuine interest, turning her attention to her form tutor.

"I am, thank you, Chloe." She responded. "I had a rather nasty case of pneumonia that landed me in hospital for two weeks but I'm fully recovered now. How are you doing?" Chloe thought for a moment.

"I...I don't really know how to explain it." She said thoughtfully. "I'm down more than I'm up, that's for sure. Well, mostly down and not much up really. Erm..." She paused, rubbing her head in agitation.

"It's okay." Miss McRae reassured her. "Don't try and explain it and stress yourself out."

"I've started on medication today. The ones the doctor prescribed to shut mum up." Chloe grinned. "Though they might take a while to start working which is unfortunate."

"But it will be worth it when they do."

" _If_  they do." Chloe corrected. "What?" She questioned in response to the look Ange gave her. "You said it yourself that there's no guarantee that they will work. They could even make me worse."

"I know but it's best not to think about that now. If it does turn out to be the case then we try something else. We will keep trying until we do find something that works. I won't give up and I won't let you give up either." Ange told her firmly. Chloe hung her head.

"I know, I'm sorry." She said guiltily. "Can we talk about me going back to school?" She asked.

"I think that's going to be a little while away yet, sweetheart." Ange tried to reason. Chloe took in a breath to try and suppress the rising anxiety.

"But I need something to work towards and I don't want to fall behind." She mumbled, fiddling with a stray thread on the hem of her top.

"Chloe, what do you think we could do at school to help you when you do come back?" Miss McRae intervened. Chloe shrugged, not daring to speak in case she crumbled. "Because we want to help you and there are things we can do to support you. Perhaps we could arrange for you to see the school counsellor?" She nodded but in truth, the idea of talking to a stranger about what she was going through made her feel physically sick. It was difficult enough talking to her mum about it. "And maybe you could start coming in for a few lessons a week and build it up? We also have systems in place where for certain students who might find the classroom environment overwhelming at times they can leave at any point if they feel they need to. Do you think that could help?"

"I..." She began. "Well, maybe. I'm really sorry but mum, perhaps you were right. I just wanted to get back to normal but now we're actually talking about it it feels like too much already. I'm so sorry, it's my own fault for asking."

"It's not your fault." Ange told her gently. "And it takes a lot of courage to admit when something is getting too much."

"Your mum's right." Miss McRae agreed.

"Well can I at least have some work to do?" Chloe requested.

"I don't think that's a good idea just yet-" Ange started.

"Oh mum, please?" Chloe pleaded.

"If you really felt up to it, our class are starting the creative writing topic next week and you could plan and write your story in your own time. I can email the prompts that the class will be working from to your mum if you would like to?" Miss McRae suggested. "But if you don't feel up to it then that's okay too." Chloe's eyes lit up.

"Yes please!" She snatched up the offer before Ange could say otherwise. After a moment's consideration, Ange nodded in agreement, much to Miss McRae's relief.

"I should probably get off." She announced, starting to gather her bag and stand up. "I don't want to outstay my welcome and besides, the sky looks full of snow."

"Told you." Chloe shot smugly at Ange as they both stood up and followed Miss McRae to the door.

"Yes alright Little Miss Clever-Clogs. It's not snowing yet though." She pointed out.

"It will do." Chloe was convinced. Miss McRae smiled in amusement as she stepped out of the house.

"Sorry to drop in on you unannounced, I hope you didn't mind."

"No, of course not. It was good of you to do so, you didn't have to." Ange told her.

"Look after yourselves and each other." She said, looking from Chloe to Ange. "And keep in touch with how Chloe's doing and if there's anything we can help with, okay?"

Chloe and Ange bid Miss McRae goodnight and watched as she walked down the drive to her car. Once she had gone, Ange turned to Chloe. "I'm really proud of you for how you handled that. It can't have been easy."

"I did feel panicky." Chloe revealed. "But I told all the negative thoughts to go away and it worked."

"Have I ever told you how amazing you are?"


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's Note:** Two chapters in just short of three days - look at me go! :D I'll be honest, I am becoming really paranoid that my chapters are getting repetitive or not really going anywhere so I'd appreciate it if you could let me know what you all think. I won't be offended. It just means I'll try and move it along a bit quicker if needs be. This is another one where I've had to split one chapter into two because I think it works better that way. I think the next one will be a little longer but this seemed a good place to split them. Massive thanks to Nat for helping me out with this chapter and for cheering me on :) Oh and, I am really sorry...

* * *

Chloe woke up and realising how dark it was outside, looked at the time on the clock.  _3:08am_ , it read. She got out of bed and went over to the window, peering through the curtains. The street outside was covered in a blanket of snow and flakes were still falling thick and fast out of the sky, showing no signs of stopping anytime soon. Enchanted by the scene, Chloe clambered up onto the windowsill and perched on it, resting her feet on the warm radiator and ensuring that she was completely tucked away behind the curtains.

Ange awoke and her thoughts immediately jumped to Chloe. Around twenty-four hours previously, she had come into her room in the middle of a panic attack and Ange could not help but worry. She could tell her a thousand times to come to her whenever she needed to but she knew Chloe would always try and deal with things on her own if she thought she could get away with it. That aspect of her daughter's nature that wound her up no end but she knew only too well that Chloe had got that trait from her. Deciding to err on the side of caution, she got up and made her way to Chloe's room.

Popping her head round the door as subtly as she could, Ange had to do a double-take before she realised that Chloe was not in her bed. Her stomach dropped in the moment but once her brain had caught up, she quickly noticed two feet sticking out from under the curtains.

"Hiding, are you?" She questioned softly but with smile on approaching the window and tugging back the curtains. Chloe gave her a tired smile.

"It's snowing." She told her in fascination. "Just like I said it would." Ange put her arm around Chloe's shoulders.

"You were right." She replied. "As usual. Anyway, are you okay?"

"Yes. I just woke up. I still feel sad but apart from that I'm okay." Chloe told her, yawning and rubbing her eyes.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Ange asked. Chloe shook her head.

"Okay. Shall we get you back to bed? The snow's not going anywhere fast and you're clearly tired." Chloe nodded and obligingly slid off of the windowsill, allowing Ange to guide her back to bed. Practically falling onto the mattress, she rolled onto her side to face Ange, who tenderly pulled the duvet right up to Chloe's chin and lovingly kissed her cheek. "Goodnight darling, I love you."

"Love you too, mum." Chloe responded sleepily, before closing her eyes and drifting straight back off to sleep.

* * *

Several hours later, Ange heard a thud come from upstairs followed by a cry of exasperation. Hurrying upstairs, she found herself faced with Chloe, who stood at the far end of her bedroom with a face like thunder. In the doorway lay the notebook that Ange had bought the previous day. She guessed it had been launched across the room just moments before, accounting for the thud.

"No! Don't read it!" Chloe cried, throwing her hands out in front of her defensively as Ange picked up the book.

"I won't." She proceeded to place it on top of the cabinet by the door. "What's wrong?" She asked calmly, stepping into the room.

"Everything!" Chloe snapped. "I'm trying to write it down but my head is all fuzzy and it hurts and I can't think! I just want to get it out!"

"I know. You're angry and that's okay..." She was quickly cut off.

"No! No it's not! It's not okay! Why do you keep telling me it is when it isn't?!"

"But it will be." She tried to convince her. "How about we go for a walk?"

"No because then people will be able to see how much of a mess I am!"

"They won't, sweetheart." Chloe strode towards the door and pushed past Ange, who turned to follow her. "Tell me what I can do to help."

"Just back off and leave me alone!" She shot bitterly, not turning round and continuing to stride down the stairs.

"I'm not going to do that whilst you're in this state." Ange told her firmly, being careful to keep enough distance as not to make Chloe feel even more claustrophobic.

"Please, mum, I don't want to hurt you!" Chloe's tone was still full of anger but at that moment, laced with desperation, she was almost begging.

"I'd rather you hurt me than yourself." Ange meant what she said. Chloe was the most important thing in her life and she would go to any lengths to protect her without hesitation. Chloe stood in the hallway unsure of what to do. "Chloe?"

"No! You just don't get it, do you? You don't get any of it and you shouldn't try to be so nice to me all the time because I am a horrible person and you should be angry at me and stop pretending to understand because you never will! You never will understand because  _I_  don't so just leave me alone!" Ange did not budge. Chloe started attacking the wall with the flats of her clenched fists. "Leave me alone! Leave me alone! Leave me alone!" Unable to bear seeing her daughter like this any longer and very aware that her head was getting closer and closer to the wall, she went up behind her and swiftly put her arms around her waist and pulled her away.

"That's enough." Chloe continued to cry out and her arms still punching wildly into the air. "Chloe, stop." Ange pleaded.

"Can't, can't, can't!" Chloe protested, trying to struggle from her mum's grip.

"We're going to sit down, okay? On the stairs." Ange stepped backwards slowly until her heels touched the bottom step and sat down on the second step. Still resistant but left with no other choice, Chloe did the same though still struggling. "I'm not letting go until you've calmed down. I will not stand by and see you hurt yourself." Ange felt awful for what she was doing but knew deep down that it was her only option to keep Chloe safe. Eventully, Chloe started to realise that Ange meant what she said and gave in, resting her head on the wall. "Can I let go now?" Ange asked gently. Chloe nodded and Ange released her grip, though neither of them moved from where they were sat.

"Mum..." Chloe started weakly. "My hands." Ange moved to sit in front of her.

"What is it? Did you hurt them?"

"No. They're sort of...tingly." Her eyes were wide with fright and Ange immediately noticed that her breathing was becoming shallow and gaspy.

"I think you're having a panic attack." Chloe shook her head frantically. Ange took Chloe's hands in her own. "It's going to be okay. Copy my breathing. Like we did the other night." Ange demonstrated, encouraging Chloe to follow. Fairly quickly, her breathing normalised and the feeling returned to her hands. "Stay there, I'll get you some water." She instructed, getting up and disappearing into the kitchen.

Ange had been gone less than a minute but on her return, was horrified to find Chloe once again struggling for breath as her whole body trembled uncontrollably. She abandoned the glass of water on the table and was straight back by Chloe's side.

"No...more..." Chloe gasped desperately. "Can't...please..."

"Alright. You're alright. It'll be over soon." Ange reassured, rubbing circles on her daughter's back.

"Mum..." She reached out blindly and Ange offered her hand for Chloe to take, which she did.

"I'm here, I've got you." She said, squeezing Chloe's hand. "Shall we try and breathe again?" Gaining no response and suspecting that Chloe was far too into the panic attack to be able to try and rationalise, Ange tried to model breathing but with no avail.

It was almost fifteen minutes before either of them spoke again, bar the odd word of comfort from Ange.

"Why...won't...stop?" Chloe spat the words out with great difficulty.

"It will." Ange responded. "Try and take deep breaths, see if that helps." Chloe took her mum's advice and took in as much air as she could manage which made her splutter. Despite this, she tried again and again until the attack finally ceased.

"That's it." Ange soothed. "You're okay now." Suddenly overwhelmed by the extreme feelings of anxiety, exhaustion and utter desolation, Chloe reached out and wrapped her arms round Ange's neck and sobbed broken-heartedly onto her shoulder. Knowing that if she tried to say anything to comfort Chloe her emotions would get the better of her, all Ange could do was hug her daughter tight in return and hope that this was enough to let her know exactly how much she loved her.


	9. Chapter 9

**Author's Note:** If there is anyone still reading this, thank you so much! Sorry I've been so slow on the updates, I've been away a lot since June but hopefully I'm back on track now. I definitely have lots of ideas for this story so it is far from over. This chapter feels like a bit of a mess which is annoying me but I hope it's not too rough around the edges. As always, I love to hear your thoughts so reviews are always appreciated :)

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Chloe's tears had stopped a while ago now but she still clung onto Ange and was so still and quiet that Ange began to wonder if she had fallen asleep. A gentle tugging on her hair soon disproved that thought as she recognised the familiar sensation of Chloe plaiting her hair, causing a small smile to grace her lips. She let Chloe carry on though wondered how she was managing at such an awkward angle. On finishing, Chloe sat up straight and draped the plait over Ange's right shoulder, looking at her with a glum expression.

"Can we go for a walk now, please?" She asked quietly. Ange nodded.

"Of course we can." She replied. Chloe stood up and busied about finding her outdoor clothes whilst Ange went into the kitchen to turn off the radio before doing the same. Once they were both suitably wrapped up, they set off out the house and down the road in the direction of the woodlands.

For a little while, the two walked side by side in total silence. Ange did not want to force a conversation if Chloe did not feel like talking.

Chloe focused all her attention on the sound of the snow crunching beneath their feet and the patterns the falling snowflakes made when they landed on her coat which was made easier by the fact that despite most of the local schools being closed, there was hardly anyone around - that was one advantage of living in such a quaint area. She knew that she should probably say something having asked to go out but she just did not know what to say. Should she address what had happened earlier? Try and make casual conversation? She really did not know. They walked a little further Chloe only felt increasingly awkward and finally spoke up.

"Can...can we talk?" She requested nervously.

"I think that's a good idea." Ange responded. "What do you want to talk about?"

"Don't know." Chloe shrugged. "It's just too quiet." She explained. "But please don't ask me how I'm feeling. I'm sick of that."

"Okay." Ange grinned. "I won't ask you how you're feeling for another hour at least." She promised.

"Mum, did..." Chloe started, pausing to think about how to say what she wanted to say. "...did you have this? I mean, did you ever feel like this when you were my age?"

"No." Ange said honestly. "I was a bit of a wild child when I was your age to be honest." Although, Chloe was pleased that her mum had never had to go through what she was currently experiencing, a small part of her had hoped that she had been through something that meant that she might be able to understand even the tiniest bit. "I have felt like that before though but never quite as badly as you do. I didn't have panic attacks and there was a reason for it."

"When gran died?" Chloe guessed. Ange hesitated.

"Yes." Although not entirely a lie, that was not what she had been referring to but she knew that being completely honest with Chloe would only bring up more questions and Ange was not sure that knowing the answers was what her daughter needed right now. One day, maybe but not now. Chloe had seemed to accept the answer Ange gave and they continued walking for a little longer.

"I don't want to lose you mum." Chloe suddenly said with a tone of sheer vulnerability.

"You are not going to lose me." Ange told her firmly.

"You don't know that." She argued. "You were twenty-three when we lost gran. That's only nearly ten years older than I am now." Her eyes glistened with tears. "That's assuming I don't drive you away first." She added bitterly.

"Chloe, we've been through this. I will not give up on you."

"What about when I get angry? When one day, I end up saying something really awful or...or actually physically hurting you? What about when we try absolutely everything but nothing will make this go away? I'll be stuck like this forever, mum and there's no way out, no way out!" She scooped up a fistful of snow and threw it with all her might at a large oak tree as hot tears rolled down her cheeks. In the moment, she genuinely did not know if she was angry or devastated. Ange approached Chloe and took her by the shoulders.

"There is a way out, darling and we are going to find it. This will not last forever, I will make sure of that. Whatever it takes, we will stop this, okay? Get it under control."

"How?" Chloe asked in devastation. "Because these medicines are not working. I feel worse and I didn't think that was possible!"

"They might take a little while, remember?" Ange reminded her. "You read the leaflet."

"I know." She dissolved into tears. "I just don't want to feel like this anymore."

"Oh sweetheart." Ange pulled Chloe into a hug, completely out of words to try and make her feel better.

"And the thing that I hate the most is that it's you that has to put up with it all the time because it's just us and I have you but you have no-one. It's going to break you, mum."

"Don't you start worrying about me now, I'm tougher than you think. Anyway, you're all I need."

"You're just saying that."

"I'm not." Ange told her honestly. "I promise." Chloe pulled away, wiping her eyes and sighed. "Why don't you throw some more snowballs at the trees?" Ange suggested, sensing that Chloe did not really understand how she was feeling, nor did she know how to release those feelings.

"That was really childish, wasn't it?" She questioned regretfully.

"No. It was a good idea. Hey, we could have a competition, see who can throw snowballs the furthest." Chloe narrowed her eyes but then grinned.

"Okay." She said decidedly. "You're on."

Ange and Chloe spent ages throwing snowballs at the trees until one of Chloe's accidently hit Ange and disintegrated down the collar of her coat. Chloe was mortified and extremely apologetic, even beginning to panic but Ange quickly got her own back by stuffing a handful of snow down the collar of Chloe's coat, which thankfully de-escalated the situation and caused them to turn on each other.

Both exhausted, wet through and consequently frozen to the bone, Chloe and Ange eventually decided to head home, mutually agreeing that spending the rest of the day in their pyjamas on the sofa with a film was the way to go.

* * *

Once they had both showered and warmed up, Ange brought her duvet down for both of them to snuggle up under, something which they often used to do though had not done so in a while. Maybe this was because of Chloe's gradually-deteriorating mental health which she went to every effort to hide, perhaps it was because of the longer hours Ange was having to work over the winter months or perhaps a combination of the two, neither of them knew but now was the time to put that right again and try to regain some kind of normality. She placed the duvet on the sofa and guessing that Chloe was in the kitchen taking her medication, Ange went to join her.

"Careful!" A startled voice cried out as Ange went to enter the kitchen. She stopped in her tracks and looked down at the floor to see shards of glass scattered in puddles of water and Chloe attempting to clear it up with a dustpan and brush. "I'm so sorry mum." She sniffed, standing up to face Ange.

"It's just a glass, don't worry about it. Accidents happen." Ange reassured her.

"But I just seem to be one big walking accident." Chloe mumbled in response, wiping her eyes on her sleeve.

"Here, let me do that, I don't want you hurting yourself." Ange took the dustpan and brush from Chloe. "Get yourself some more water and go and get comfy in the lounge, okay? I'll be two minutes." Defeatedly, Chloe did as Ange said, swallowing her tablet with the new glass of water before disappearing into the lounge.

Ange finished cleaning up the broken glass and water from the floor, though Chloe had already done most of it and tipped the shards into the kitchen bin before placing the dustpan and brush back into the cupboard and the tea towel next to the sink.

On returning to the lounge, Ange found Chloe buried under the duvet so that not even her head was visible.

"Hey." Ange said, sitting down beside her and pulling back the covers slightly. "It was just a glass."

"I know." Chloe choked. "I don't even know if that's why I'm upset. I don't know why I'm upset." She said, her tone somewhere between frustration and exhaustion. "I don't even have a reason to feel like this!"

"Chloe..." Ange started, though was quickly cut off.

"And don't tell me it's the medication because even if it is that's the stupidest excuse ever!" She let out a sob. "Why can't I stop crying today? I feel ridiculous!" She pulled the duvet back over her head.

"Come on, come and have a cuddle." Ange encouraged.

"No!" Chloe protested. "Oh no!" She sat up suddenly and stood up to leave the room. "I didn't do it!" She panicked.

"Didn't do what, sweetheart?" Ange got up to follow Chloe as she went back through to the kitchen.

"My medication!" She cried, exasperated.

"Yes you did." Ange told her. "When the glass smashed, remember?"

"No, no that's why I didn't do it. I forgot!"

"You did do it, Chloe, you got another glass of water and took the tablet. I watched you, I promise you you didn't forget."

"I remember taking it this morning but not now, I haven't done it and I need to!" Chloe tried to pass Ange, who was standing by the kitchen door but could not. Ange put her hands on Chloe's upper arms.

"Chloe, stop a minute. Calm, okay?" Ange waited until Chloe was ready to listen. "Let's go into the kitchen and look at the box. You should have had four doses since yesterday, if that's the case then four of the blisters will be empty." Chloe accepted Ange's reasoning and followed her to the table. They both took a seat and Ange took the packet out of the box. "See?" She smiled gently. "You took it." Chloe was dismayed.

"But...but why can't I remember?" She questioned frantically. "What is wrong with me?!" She started hitting her head with her hands but Ange was quick enough to stop her, her embrace strong enough that Chloe's arms were trapped.

"You don't need to do that." Ange told her. "It's okay."

"I'm confused!" Chloe sobbed. "I'm so confused."

"I know, I know." Ange rocked Chloe gently, a technique which had always calmed her when she was very young. Thankfully, it still worked and after several minutes, the sobs subsided and Chloe allowed herself to rest in her mum's arms.

"I think I'm going to go to bed." She said meekly. "Try and switch my brain off."

"Do you want to see if you can settle on the sofa?" Chloe shook her head.

"I just need my own space for a bit. Sorry." She said, sitting up.

"For what, hey?" Ange asked. Chloe shrugged. "Do you want anything to eat before you go up?" She shook her head, stood up and left the room.

* * *

Ange gave Chloe an hour or so to settle before she went to check on her. To her relief and an extent her surprise, though not entirely, Chloe was spark out fast asleep. Taking care not to disturb her, Ange placed a plate of sandwiches, a chocolate bar and a glass of juice on the chest of drawers at the foot of the bed. After doing that, she then placed their favourite photograph, reframed in a heart-shaped frame that Ange had found in the shops a few days previously on the bedside table so that Chloe would see it when she awoke. Carefully brushing a stray strand of hair from Chloe's cheek, Ange tenderly kissed her forehead and left her to sleep.


End file.
